Shadows of Doubt
by elfmage
Summary: AU. In the aftermath of Harry's death after vanquishing Voldemort, the demons of Sirius Black's past catch up with him. Remus Lupin has to try and deal with the consequences, and save his friend from the shadows that haunt him.
1. Prologue

**Shadows of Doubt**

**by elfmage**

* * *

**Disclaimer;** I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime! Warnings; Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

**Additional notes;** This fic is AU. It could probably be set at the end of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; it is set in a universe where Harry defeats Voldemort once and for all, but is killed doing so. Sirius, obviously, is still alive (yes, I'm in denial!). This isn't a slash fic.

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

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**Chapter One: Prologue**

_Whispers_

_Whispered voices in my ear.  
Whispers I dare not hear.  
Dreadful thoughts that do appear,  
Thoughts I try to will away.  
Things that shall not be known,  
Things no one else will hear._

_Locked in my mind,  
The notty little thoughts,  
They will appear._

_Forever and for always,  
These pictures play through in my head.  
Should I Listen?  
Should I watch?  
Shall I give in to these dreadful thoughts?  
Allow the whispers to once again rule?_

_Will I allow my hand to fall upon this blade?  
Shall the blood fall,  
And the whispers win?  
Or will I stay sane, And let not the whispers win this horrid game_

_By April Beer, 2005._

Remus Lupin looked worriedly at the tall, thin, unkempt man standing beside him in the fireplace of the rather dingy lounge-room of the Black mansion. Sirius Black, ex-convict and former prisoner of Azkaban, was whiter than Remus had ever seen a human. A live one, at least.

As they stepped over the grate, recovering from the dizzying ride through the Floo system, Sirius swayed dangerously, and would have fallen to the floor if not for the quick reflexes of his companion.

Remus grabbed Sirius as he collapsed, half helping, half dragging him to a nearby dusty old chair. Gently lowering the dark-haired man into it, who promptly closed his eyes and tried to recover his senses, Lupin took a step back, and used the time to study his friend carefully.

Sirius was terribly thin, once again reduced to the gaunt apparition that he had become after his twelve year stay in Azkaban. He had gained weight briefly, starting to look like a semblance of his old self, when the incident had happened. Now he looked like a walking skeleton.

His long black hair, once his pride, was tangled and matted, and not simply from the fast paced Floo ride. It looked as though it had not been washed for a while, and had forgone brushing for even longer. Even though he had long ago shaved off his beard, which Sirius claimed made him look years older, his chin was once again covered with scruffy hair, and he quite definitely needed a shave.

Then there were the eyes. They were what frightened Remus the most, and though he could not see them at the moment, he knew precisely what the looked like, for they had haunted his dreams for the past week. He had seen Sirius when he was teaching at Hogwarts, seen him when his eyes were sunken and almost dead. Yet even then there was a glimmer of hope, and joy at seeing one of his best friends' child.

Now they were dead. Always a bright blue, they now appeared black as the deepest pits of Hell. If you looked into them, there was no joy, no hope, nothing except bleakness.

Not, mused Lupin, that I often see his eyes anymore.

That was another thing that worried Remus. His once confident, even cocky friend was now quiet to the point of being timid. Sirius' personality had changed after his stay in Azkaban, as was to be expected, but even then, after a while, Remus had begun to find a semblance of his friend once more. Now Sirius spent his days staring into nothingness, trying not to be noticed, not to be a disturbance, and when he was addressed he stared at the floor, refusing to meet anyone's eye.

As if noticing he was being observed, Sirius opened his tired eyes with a slight groan, which Remus only picked up thanks to his remarkably sharp hearing, a result of being a werewolf.

Lupin swiftly knelt in front of the chair in which Sirius was sitting, waiting for his friend to speak. The blue eyes, darkened with grief, stared into Remus' grey ones briefly, before Sirius looked away, staring down at the threadbare carpet instead.

The werewolf sighed mentally, and waited a little while longer, seeing if Black would react at all. When it seemed no response was forthcoming, he moved forwards slightly, his sharp eyes noticing the way that Sirius flinched slightly when he did so.

Placing his large hand under Black's chin, he gently tilted his friends' face upwards, so that he was looking at him eye to eye. Remus searched his friends' deep eyes for what seemed to be an eternity, before Sirius flinched again, breaking the contact.

"Are you all right?" Lupin asked, the overwhelming concern he felt evident in his voice.

Sirius sat dead still for a moment, before clearing his throat slightly, and answering in an hesitant, quiet and almost stuttering manner, his voice hoarse and quiet.

"I… I'm… fine, R… Remus."

Lupin simply looked at his friend with doubt shining in his eyes. Sirius risked a quick glance into his eyes, and noticed the disbelief instantly.

"Really… D… Don't worry about… me."

The werewolf sighed. Even when his best friend was in such an obviously terrible state, he could still be amazingly stubborn, and was apparently not planning on confiding in Remus any time soon. Such a thought made something inside Lupin twinge, though he shoved it aside for the time being.

"You need to talk about this Sirius. If you keep trying to pretend nothing has changed, you are going to destroy yourself." He hadn't meant to say the last sentence, but he couldn't help it. Remus was extremely worried about his friend.

Sirius' head rose sharply, and when he dared make eye contact, Remus was startled to see tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over. It was the third time he had ever seen his friend cry, and the other two had been accidental. Sirius never cried in public.

Now Lupin was beginning to get even more worried. Between his friend's almost catatonic state, and his sudden and complete change in personality, he couldn't help but worry that something terrible was going to happen. Filled with a new sense of urgency, he spoke again, almost pleadingly.

"Please Sirius. Tell me what's going on. Like you used to."

Sirius was visibly thinking, although what about, Remus could not tell. He hoped the Animagus was finally going to open up, letting everything go instead of feeding it until it destroyed him.

"Remus, I… I…" Sirius was struggling for words, and Lupin mentally encouraged him.

Sirius sighed deeply. He couldn't do it.

"I'm going… upstairs. I… I think I need… need some sleep," he all but whispered, turning and leaving the room, looking anywhere but his best friends' face, not able to bear witness to the complete disappointment that he knew would be there.

He also missed the look of utmost, heart-rending concern that almost obscured the tears in Remus' grey eyes.

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**A/N;** And here ends the prologue. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy!


	2. Chapter 1: Whispered Voices in My Ear

**Shadows of Doubt **

_by elfmage _

**

* * *

Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime!**

**Warnings; **Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

**Additional notes; **See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content! That's my claim, and I'm sticking to it!

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

_

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_

Chapter One: Whispered Voices in My Ear

Harry was dead. Sirius couldn't believe it. He was gone, just like that. In that instant, when Harry had been hit with the blinding flash of green light, all time had stopped. The boy who lived was gone. Dead.

_And so am I, just as I deserve to be._ Thought Sirius bitterly, sitting in the darkened room. _Dead, but still breathing_.

He looked around from his vantage point on the hard floor in the room he now resided in. Shadows wrapped the room, not unlike the dark cloaked figures with whom Sirius had become well acquainted. He shivered, not from the cold, though the room remained unheated, but from those memories. For a moment, he considered going down the dark flight of stairs, past the screeching figure of his mothers' portrait, and seeking consolation from his dearest friend, Remus Lupin. Doing what his friend begged him to do, telling him everything.

_Do you really want to?_ The insidious little voice in the back of his mind that had been his constant companion since his fifth year at Hogwarts had returned.

"Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?" Sirius replied out loud.

_Look at what has happened to the rest of your "friends." Everyone you ever cared about, you destroyed their lives completely. You're nothing but a plague, a disgusting darkness on the face of the earth, destroying anything and everything that's good._

"That isn't true!" Sirius exclaimed, though the doubt in his voice was evident even to himself, his denial sounding pathetic and false. The voice seemed to hear it too, and pressed its advantage.

_How about James and Lilly then? If you hadn't been such a weak, pathetic coward, if you had had the nerve to be their secret keeper, they would still be alive. No, you passed the responsibility on, because you couldn't handle it. You're weak. Pathetic._

"I wasn't the one who betrayed them! It was Peter! I… I only thought that maybe…. maybe we could throw the enemy off track…. stop them," Sirius stuttered, his voice unconvincing.

_You_ thought_? Do you really expect anyone to believe that? Then again, that was the problem, wasn't it? You don't think, you never have, because you are stupid. Always have been, haven't you. Careless, unthinking and stupid. Look what almost happened to Lupin, your supposed "best friend" because of it! _

Sirius paused, unable to respond. He could not deny it. His stupidity, his reckless arrogance and need for revenge had almost destroyed his best friend. At the time, he had claimed that Snape deserved it, but after a while…. after he truly thought about it, he had realised what an idiot he had been. And by then it had been too late. It had taken years to rebuild that trust, but did he really deserve it, after what he had done?

_No, you didn't._ Sirius started, realising that he had said the last part of his mental soliloquy aloud. The voice continued.

You could have been the death of him, his destruction caused only by your idiocy, and yet he gave you another chance. You didn't deserve that. He was a fool to allow you back into his life, all you ever do is destroy people's lives.

"That's not true!" Sirius' voice had increased gradually in volume, yet there was no conviction present. He was beginning to realise that this other voice was right. All he ever did was destroy people's lives.

_You know that it is. You are beginning to see. James, Lilly, Remus, you destroyed all of their lives. And now Harry… _Here Sirius jerked sharply, an eerie light in his eyes.

_It's your fault Harry is dead. You let them all down again. James, Lilly… you failed them once, and now you have failed them again. They trusted you to take care of their son, to watch over him, because they could not themselves, due to your weakness and cowardice. And you could not even do that._

"Oh God…" Sirius was almost sobbing now, his breathing sharp and rapid. Memories swirled rapidly through his head, almost lie he was within the grasp of the Dementors again.

The look of horror on Remus' face when he found out who had given away his secret… James screaming at him, telling him to get away from Remus, pure hatred on his face… James' face again, this time cold and still, lying dead amongst the rubble that had been Godrics' Hollow…

And Harry, standing stock still, without time to move, for time itself seemed to have stopped… The shouted words of Avada Kedavra, coming from nowhere… The brilliant flash of green light… Then Harry, lying still and lifeless on the cold ground. Never to move again.

The memories whirled through his head, in front of his vision, more real than the room he tried to convince himself he was still sitting in. It was all real, he was there all over again. They flashed faster and faster, transporting him through time faster than possible.

James, Lilly, Harry dead, Lupin looking on in horror, the look of disgust on his friends faces when they learned of his apparent betrayal, the Dementors, his cold dark cell in Azkaban, the cell he deserved, all the evils he had done, all the wrongs he had committed, the wraith trying to take his soul, Remus begging him, Remus telling him never to return, Remus throwing his books into the fire…

_Then end it! End it now! Complete what you should have finished years ago!_

Watching Snape press the stick against the Whomping Willow, the look of horror on Remus' face when he had learned of what he had nearly done, Sirius smashing his belongings one by one, tears streaming down his face, the look of sheer horror on Harry's face, as though he knew what was coming…

Unable to see through the whirling visions, barely aware of his surroundings, Sirius walked jerkily to the mirror that sat atop his dressing table. With movements that were not his own he smashed the glass with his fist, the shards that embedded themselves in his hand unnoticed, the blood dripping.

_You should have done it years ago. If you had, James and Lilly would still be alive… _

Looking as one in a dream, Sirius picked up a piece of the glass, it's edge razor sharp, and pressed it against his forearm. The voice cried it's victory, encouraging him, knowing that Black's lack of awareness, trapped within his memories, would mean success.

The Dark Mark floating in the air above Godrics Hollow, the Ministry wizards taking him away, twelve years at the mercy of the Dementors, Lupin telling him he deserved to die, Lupin crying himself to sleep, Sirius' fault, HIS fault, always, always, always his fault…

The tip of the glass dug into the pale skin, piercing it deeply, blood welling up instantly. Then the glass was dragged downwards, opening a great gash, from which the blood gushed. As the blood loss began to take it's toll, the voice lost control, and Sirius became aware once again of his surroundings.

The shard of glass dropped to the floor from suddenly limp fingers, and Sirius was left staring at his arm uncomprehendingly, not knowing what had happened. Swaying sharply from the loss of blood, his vision blurring and shifting, he tried to call out.

"Re… Remus, he… Remus, help… help me…" The words were little more than whispers, almost inaudible.

Aware that he was rapidly losing the battle against unconsciousness, he gathered all the remaining strength that he could. Sirius Black, Animagus and renowned wizard, cried the name of his best friend out loudly, before falling face-first onto the hard floorboards, completely limp, blood rushing unchecked from a large, deep gash on his arm…

**

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A/N; And here ends Chapter Two. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy!**


	3. Chapter 2: Bleed Just To Know You're Ali

**Shadows of Doubt **

_by elfmage _

**

* * *

Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime!**

**Warnings; **Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

**Additional notes; **See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content!

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

_

* * *

_

Chapter Two: Bleed Just to Know You're Alive

Remus was sitting in the lounge-room, staring at the doorway through which Sirius had left. He was going over every word his friend had said in the past week, which did not amount to much, trying to discover any hint of what was going on in his friends mind.

As much as he did not want to admit it, he was beginning to fear for his friends' sanity, and even his well being. Sirius had changed so much, that Remus sometimes felt that he did not even know the man that he was sharing the decrepit mansion with.

Lupin shook his head. He refused to give up hope, refused to believe that his friend had changed beyond help. And he had the feeling that the only one that could help him was his best friend. It didn't matter whether or not Sirius wanted to co-operate, Remus was going to help his friend, just as Sirius had done for him in the past.

His decision made, the werewolf walked slowly to the doorway. He had reached the foot of the stair when he heard the sound of breaking glass. There was a short pause, during which he tried to pinpoint the origins of the sound as he paused on the stair, before the house echoed with a shrill scream.

"REMUS!"

It was the sound of pure terror, despair, horror, the sound of someone desperate. Remus leapt up the stairs, his heart in his throat, dashing for the door to his friend's bedroom, dreading what he was going to find.

Throwing open the door, Lupin quickly scanned the dark, almost black, room, desperately seeking out his friend. Not seeing him on the bed, or at the desk, Remus strode towards the cupboard, desperation rather than logic guiding his actions, as he searched for his best friend.

Halfway across the room, the werewolf stumbled over an obstacle on the floor, crashing to his hands and knees. As soon as he had made contact, he knew what that obstacle was, and he scrambled across the hard floor to where his best friend lay, facedown.

Remus reached out and grabbed Sirius' frighteningly thin shoulders, feeling the bones even through the robes that the Animagus had borrowed. He turned Sirius over onto his back his now adjusted eyes quickly scanning his friend for any obvious damage.

"Oh, God, Oh, God, Oh, God. Sirius, what have you done?"

Remus' eyes were impossibly wide, his mind frozen in horror. Then he gathered his wits about him and quickly pressed the edges of his robes against the gaping, bleeding wound, hard. Noticing the copious amount of blood pooling on the floor around Sirius, he knew his friend was in bad way.

Remus cursed himself silently for not having bothered to learn any healing spells that could be useful in a situation like this. He began to panic, noticing that his friends' breathing was almost non-existent. Keeping one hand tightly pressed against the gash, he used his other to yank open Sirius' robes, exposing his thin chest.

Containing a gasp of horror at the way in which he could clearly see every single one of Black's protruding ribs, Remus turned himself to the task at hand, laying his ear rather awkwardly against the skeletal ribcage beneath him, making sure his grasp on Sirius' forearm remained secure.

Sirius' breathing was rapid and shallow, as if he were caught in a particularly terrifying nightmare. His heart raced furiously beneath his starkly visible ribs, and Remus wondered that he was not able to see it, so thin was his friend. He was no medi-wizard, but he felt that if he could not slow his friend's panicked breathing, and calm his dangerously fast heart, they would simply stop.

The fact that his friend still drew breath was a great comfort to Remus, until he realised that he was still stuck in a room, without his wand, and with his best friend probably only minutes away from bleeding to death, maybe even less when the speed of his pulse was considered.

Trying to order his priorities, Remus thought quickly. First he had to slow Sirius' dangerously fast heart, and his breathing, which was bordering on hyperventilation.

Lupin was mentally flicking through the list of spells he knew, searching for one that could be useful, when his previously unresponsive patient suddenly awoke.

* * *

Sirius came to with a terrified start, and if Remus had previously been worried about the way his systems were racing, he was now petrified. His panicked mind worried that no human body could possibly take that much strain. Remus knew he had to calm Sirius down, _now_.

"Sirius, listen to me," Lupin spoke urgently. Noticing that his friend was not really focusing on anything, he grabbed the bony chin in his hand for the second time that night, and directed Sirius' attention towards him.

"I don't know what happened here, but you have to listen to me. You have to calm down. Your body is working too fast, too hard, and you have to calm down. Do you understand?"

The look in Sirius' eyes was so much like a lost, confused, hurt puppy that Remus wanted to cry. At the moment though, he needed to stay composed. Sirius needed him to stay composed.

"Do you understand, Sirius?" He repeated, his voice taking on a more urgent tone. When there was no response, other than his friend continuing to look terribly lost and confused, he sighed. He hated doing this to Sirius when he was obviously petrified, but he had no choice.

"_Animo Linqui_!"

Sirius was now unconscious, and his body was beginning to relax, although Remus dreaded what his friend would do when he awoke. Which made him wonder even more; what had put Sirius in such a state?

Remus risked a glance at the deep gash on his friend's forearm, removing the pressure for just a moment. The bleeding had slowed considerably, although Sirius had still lost a great deal of blood. Sighing, Lupin raised his wand;

"_Accio_, muggle first aid kit!"

Neatly catching the green box that came flying in, and thanking his muggle habits, he rummaged through it one handed, looking for something useful. Not knowing quite what was appropriate, he placed a spell designed to stop bleeding, which he had only used on scratches and small cuts before, but he hoped would be successful here, on the cut, and then wound a long, white bandage tightly around Sirius' forearm.

Lupin then sagged visibly, the panic and adrenaline beginning to fade. Suddenly feeling much older than he previously had, he got to his feet, and with only a little help from the werewolf strength within, he lifted Sirius into his arms, and carried the Animagus out of the cold, dark and bloody room, into Remus' warmer one.

He placed Black gently on the bed, pulling back the covers and tucking a fully dressed Sirius under them, not concerned about the blood that would indubitably stain his sheets. Remus noticed that the effort of lifting Sirius, who was quite tall, was far less than it should have been. He sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that evening, and sat down beside the bed, waiting until his friend awoke.

Whether Sirius wanted to or not, they had to talk. It had taken his friend's near death to make Remus realise just how close to destruction Sirius really was.

**

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A/N; And here ends Chapter Two. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy!**


	4. Chapter 3: Bringing Back These Memories

**Shadows of Doubt **

_by elfmage _

**

* * *

Disclaimer;** I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime! 

**Warnings; **Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

**Additional notes; **See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content!

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

_

* * *

_

Chapter Three: Bringing Back These Memories I Wish I Didn't Have

The grey light of dawn was spreading throughout the room when Remus Lupin awoke from a rather restless sleep. He groaned slightly at the stiffness in his neck, and then looked around to see what had raised him from his slumber.

Lupin's sharp grey eyes landed on the bed, where Sirius was tossing restlessly, the pain and fear on his face clearly visible.

"No… Remus, no… Come back! It wasn't me… you know… you know it wasn't… please, Remus… please! … Moony! … Don't leave me! …"

Sirius was talking in his sleep, sobbing and moaning in between broken words. Remus felt his heart sink. He knew precisely what nightmare was haunting his friend's dreams. It had haunted his too, ever since he found out that Sirius Black, a condemned murdered, his best friend, was in fact innocent.

The one time he had gone to visit Sirius, only a month after Sirius had been brought to Azkaban. He had wanted to ask, to _demand_ why Sirius had done it. Why he had betrayed one of his "brothers." Lupin still remembered it like it was only the day before…

**/Flashback/**

_Remus Lupin looked down at the freezing, murky water beneath the boat that he sat in. The very look of it was foreboding, a mere shadow of what was to come, when he actually arrived at the place itself… _

_Azkaban. The very name made grown wizards shiver. It was a horrible, haunting and terrifying place, one that no-one ever wanted to visit. Remus himself was beginning to wonder if he wasn't insane, to be coming here of his own free will. _

_I have a purpose here, he reminded himself. I want to know… I want to know why he betrayed us, why… why he murdered them. _

_And yet another small part of Lupin, the part that was drowned out by his burning fury, was telling him it was not that he wanted to know. What he really wanted to know was whether or not it really was Sirius. Part of him still couldn't believe that his friend, his brother had betrayed them like that. _

_He had to know… _

_Remus Lupin, lead by a thankfully human warden, walked up the long corridor, with Dementors lining its length, making him shiver in fear. There was complete silence, punctuated only by the sound of the occasional prisoner screaming in terror, or sobbing hopelessly. Remus could not help but wonder if it was Sirius screaming, Sirius begging for mercy, Sirius crying for death. _

_Stop it! He insisted. He is a _traitor_! He is only getting what he deserves! _

_That small voice in the back of his mind would not be quieted though. _

"_He was your best friend. Do you really think he would betray you? Does he really deserve this?" _

_Remus had no more time for internal dialogues. He was lead through a heavy door into a smaller corridor, this one almost pitch black, lined with only a few cells. There were no Dementors here, coming only when they were beckoned. _

_The two stopped their heavy walk. They had reached Sirius' cell. The warden indicated it and then left, presumably returning to his paperwork. _

_Lupin walked up to the thick bars apprehensively, not knowing what to expect. Waiting for his eyes to adjust, he stood patiently. When he could see sufficiently well in the almost non-existent light, he took a deep breath, and stepped forward. _

_What Remus could see made his eyes open wide, his hand unconsciously rising to cover his mouth. Sitting on the floor of the tiny cell was a corpse. _

_No, he realised. It was alive. His best friend, Sirius Black, looked like a living skeleton. His once long, black hair, his pride of which having been a great source of teasing amongst his friends, was matted, uneven, and filthy. _

_He was curled up into a ball on the floor, rocking gently back and forth, talking to himself all the while. _

"_It wasn't me, James… I swear… It was Peter! … I never, I would never… Please, please, please…" _

_Sirius repeated himself over and over, asserting his innocence, begging for someone to believe him, sometimes using different names. Remus started when his name was mention, and frowning in concentration, he listened closely. _

"_I'm so sorry Remus… I thought… I thought it was you… Oh God, I'm sorry… It wasn't me! … Please believe me! … Remus… Moony! Come back! It wasn't… You know it wasn't me! … Don't leave me! … Please!" _

_Somewhere in the back of Remus' mind, he wept for this ruined remnant of what had once been his best friend. He wanted to run to his friend, hold him and comfort him, help him back to health. _

"_Oh, be quiet!" Remus was not quite sure whether he was talking to himself, or the creature that was now cowering before him in the dark cell into which he looked. _

_Sirius looked up at Remus, still seated on the cold, stone floor. He could hardly believe what he was seeing, and was beginning to suspect that it was some new trick by the Dementors, another means by which to torment him. He couldn't help the slight whimper that arose from his throat at the thought of another of the Dementors' cruel "games." _

_Remus watched as Sirius finally reacted to his presence, apparently made aware of it by those three sharp words. Sirius looked at him blankly, and the werewolf was taken aback by the haunted, terrified look in the eyes of the man who had once been his best friend. There was a desperation there too, a terrible need. _

"_Sirius?" He asked, his voice almost cracking over that one word, and the werewolf winced to hear in his voice a tenderness he wished he didn't feel. _

_The convicts' eyes widened at being addressed, and he scrambled backwards slightly. He considered this apparition again, and then shook his head violently. No, it had to be another trick, another way to make him snap. _

_Sirius was still using his imaginings as his escape, the very few that the Dementors had yet to steal from him. He knew that Remus was still his best friend, the only one who believed that he was innocent, who _knew _he was innocent. _

_The lack of response angered Remus, for whatever reasons he could not comprehend. Whatever the cause, he finally could not take it, and spoke again, this time angrily, without hesitation. _

"_How could you, Sirius? How could you betray them? They trusted you! They trusted you, and you killed them!" _

He knows, Sirius. _That voice was back, again._ He knows that it's your fault. He knows that it was your cowardice that killed them. All. Your. Fault.

_That earned more of a reaction. Sirius knew it had to be a trick, because Remus, his best friend, knew that was not true. He wouldn't say that, he wouldn't even think that, because he knew that Sirius was innocent. Finally, Sirius couldn't take it. He couldn't stand the Dementors, destroying his mind, playing with his memories. He couldn't take it any more, he wouldn't take it any more. _

_Remus let out a small cry of surprise as Sirius jumped to his feet, more quickly than Lupin would have thought possible given his current condition, and threw himself at the bars, as hard as he could. They were obviously held by some kind of enchantment, because as Sirius hit them, there was a spark of light, and the prisoner was sent flying across the room, smashing into the stone wall with a crack that made Lupin wince. _

_That didn't seem to deter Black, though. He started muttering again, getting louder, and almost shrieking. It wasn't the volume that frightened Remus, but the way that the screams were that of a madman. That of someone who has finally snapped, who can't take any more. _

You can't stand it, can you Black? To know that you are so pathetically weak, to know that you aren't innocent. You deserve to be here. It's your fault they are dead!

"_No. NO. SHUT UP! It wasn't me!" Sirius shrieked, grabbing his head in his hands and shaking violently. Remus realised that he was talking to the voices that only he could hear. The inner demons that had haunted Sirius at Hogwarts had returned, and were obviously gaining their power once more. _

_When Sirius started throwing himself at the walls once more, throwing himself at the bars and being thrown backwards again and again, Remus began to debate whether or not he ought to make someone stop him. Even if he was guilty, that little part of Lupin was nagging at him, telling him his friend did not deserve this. _

_Black threw himself at the bars as hard as he could, screaming at the voice to be quiet. He hit the bars hard, and was thrown backwards with incredible speed. Lupin watched as he hit the wall and went limp, crumpling to floor, unconscious. _

"_Damn it!" Lupin thought furiously, as he ran down the hall to summon the warden. "He's a traitor, and he killed Lilly and James! Why should I feel sorry for him?" _

"_You should," replied that insidious voice again, "because you know he didn't do it." _

**/End Flashback/**

Remus shook himself out of his stupor. The past was the past, and however much he regretted it, he could not change it now. He leant over the bed, trying to wake Sirius without jostling his arm too much, for fear it would start bleeding again.

"Sirius, wake up," he called softly. "Come on, Padfoot, it's just a dream."

Sirius opened his eyes, but they were glazed and terrified, and it was obvious to Remus that he was still caught up in the dream, not really seeing his surroundings.

"Moony?" Sirius asked, before continuing, sounding petrified, grabbing the edges of Lupin's' robes desperately.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. Please don't go, I swear it wasn't me! Please Remus, don't leave me! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Shhh, Sirius, it's ok. Wake up, Sirius," Remus whispered, although he wanted to cry at the plaintive manner in which his friend was pleading him. His friend was still grasping his robes, as though afraid that if he let go for any length of time, Remus would disappear.

"It's just a dream, Sirius. I'm right here. Wake up."

Sirius regained consciousness slowly, as if coming out of a coma. He looked around dazedly, noticing Remus leaning over him with a terribly concerned expression on his face. The Animagus also noticed that he was not in his own room. Why was he sleeping in Remus' bed?

"Wh… what ha… happened?" he asked, confused by the weakness he felt.

Lupin grinned tiredly as his friend spoke, although he was also worried by the weakness in his voice. He was glad his friend had woken up, finally freeing himself from the grip of the dark dream that he had been caught in.

"It's ok, Sirius. We'll talk about it later," the werewolf reassured. "You should get some rest."

"Remus…"

"It's nothing, Sirius. Go back to sleep."

"I… I'm sorry…"

Remus looked sadly at his friend, lying there apologising for something he could not remember, but feeling that he somehow owed the werewolf an apology.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Padfoot," he whispered. "Rest."

Sirius nodded slowly, not quite convinced, but already drifting into sleep once again.

**

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A/N; And here ends Chapter Three. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy! **


	5. Chapter 4: As I Watch the Walls Descend

**Shadows of Doubt **

_by elfmage _

**

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Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime! **

**Warnings; **Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

**Additional notes; **See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content!

_This chapter is dedicated to Elesia, who wrote me a brilliant review that made my day! Thank you. :) Also a brilliant fan is Alsandra, who wrote me this brilliant poem, which I have decided will fit best at the beginning of the story(but in case people don't go back to read it, here it is!);_

_Whispers _

Whispered voices in my ear.  
Whispers I dare not hear.  
Dreadful thoughts that do appear,  
Thoughts I try to will away.  
Things that shall not be known,  
Things no one else will hear.

Locked in my mind,  
The notty little thoughts,  
They will appear.

Forever and for always,  
These pictures play through in my head.  
Should I Listen?  
Should I watch?  
Shall I give in to these dreadful thoughts?  
Allow the whispers to once again rule?

Will I allow my hand to fall upon this blade?  
Shall the blood fall,  
And the whispers win?  
Or will I stay sane,  
And let not the whispers win this horrid game  
- April Beer

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

_

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_

Chapter Four: As I Watch the Walls Descend

Having sat beside his bed all day, simply watching his friend sleep after it had hit home just how close he came to losing him, Remus spent the morning recalling the past, both happier and sadder moments. Such long periods of moping were not a part of his personality, however, and Remus soon found himself in Sirius' room with a bucket of warm, soapy water, a bundle of old newspapers, and several cloths.

Remus crossed the threshold of the dark room and crossed immediately to the other side, where the heavily draped window was situated. He drew them open, allowing the weak afternoon sun to spill into the room.

The werewolf looked around the bedroom. He had seen blood before, of course. However, the amount of blood, and the way in which it had been spilt still brought a twinge of fear to his conscious mind. Thoughts of how close he came to losing Sirius forever haunted his mind, and for a while he simply sat on the bed, overcome with the fear.

Drawing himself together with a deep breath, he began carefully picking up the shards of shattered glass from the mirror that Sirius had smashed and wrapping them up carefully in the old Daily Prophet pages. It then occurred to Remus that he had not treated his friend's hand, so concerned he had been with the life-threatening gash. Sirius had to have done some damage when he smashed the mirror, and Lupin made a mental note to see to his friend's hand when he checked his other wound.

Once the glass had been taken care of, and safely disposed of via a quick charm, Remus began working on removing the blood from the floor. It was cold in the room, so much of the blood had not congealed, meaning that once Lupin had washed it off the flood, there was nothing left but a slightly darker stain on the hard floorboards.

It occurred then to Remus that he did not want Sirius to return to this room, at the very least, not until he had talked to him properly. For the time being, he dragged the mattress off of Sirius' bed, and placed it on the floor in his room, taking care not to disturb the exhausted man sleeping in his bed.

Remus would sleep on the floor until he was sure that Sirius was in no danger, and to that end he fetched the bedclothes and remade the mattress. On the end of it he also placed a spare set of sheets, intending to change the bloodstained ones while Sirius ate, assuming the man was well enough to get out of bed. Remus held a great suspicion that perhaps the Animagus would not be.

After the sun had set, with Sirius showing no signs of waking, Remus decided to go downstairs for a while.

Remus walked tiredly into the kitchen, seating himself at one of the rather rickety chairs standing around the table. Piled on the scrubbed wood were dozens of letters, all expressing condolences for the loss of Harry. Letter inquiring about the funeral, preparations, what they could do.

With a pained expression, Lupin gathered them all, and, using his wand to start a fire in the grate, threw them into the fire. For a few moments, he simply watched the fire lick at them, devouring them greedily, until nothing but a pile of ashes remained.

The Order of the Phoenix had been reformed, here in this very house. And yet they had been powerless to stop Voldemort using his Death Eaters to kill Harry, only days before he was due to return to Hogwarts. It had been the first time Remus had seen Dumbledore cry.

So now it was just Sirius and Remus, for the time being. The two wolf-brothers, best friends, perhaps the only two people who could understand the other. Yet, lately Lupin felt as though he did not know this man he lived with any more. Of course, he expected Sirius to be devastated by Harry's death, but even before that had happened, there had been something different.

Remus mind told him that he should have expected Sirius to come back from Azkaban changed, because there was no way he couldn't, but his heart could not accept it. He couldn't accept that his old confident, carefree, happy-go-lucky, easy going and wonderful friend was never coming back.

Recalling once again the time when he had thought Sirius guilty of murdering Lilly and James, he realised that he had turned his back on his friend when he needed him most. Lupin shook his head. He did not have the time to sit there and mope. He needed to get himself together. Sirius had been there through some of the hardest times in Remus' life, and now he was going to do the same.

Tearing himself away from the fire, Lupin set about making two mugs of hot chocolate. He knew that Sirius would need a lot of sleep, to recover from the blood loss and shock, but his friend was also frighteningly gaunt, and needed all the sustenance he could get. To that end, he also prepared several sandwiches, from the meagre contents of the cupboards. As odd as it felt to be doing something normal after such a catastrophe, he needed to go shopping, soon.

Lupin sighed, pausing in his task of collecting everything and placing it upon a tarnished silver serving tray, a remnant of the wealth that the house had once contained. He knew that he need to talk to Sirius, to find out what happened, and most of all, he knew that he had to help his friend. There would be time for his own grief later.

**

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A/N; And here ends Chapter Four. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy! **


	6. Chapter 5: And Maybe I'll Find Some Peac

**Shadows of Doubt **

_by elfmage _

**

* * *

Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime! **

**Warnings; **Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

**Additional notes; **See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content!

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

_

* * *

_

Chapter Five: And Maybe I'll Find Some Peace Tonight

Remus entered the room slowly, taking care not to spill anything on the tray that he was carrying. The room was growing cool, and after he placed the tray on the desk in the corner, he pulled his wand from the sleeves of his robes, lighting a fire in the grate once more. He then turned to observe his friend once more.

Sirius was sleeping more peacefully than he had that morning, but he still did not look completely at ease. Remus knew that that was nothing unusual, though. It had become quite common for him to place an enchantment on Sirius evening night-cap, which Lupin usually insisted to be hot chocolate. Remus never said anything, and Sirius never complained, although he had to know that his food was being spelled.

"Perhaps he simply wanted peace," mused Remus.

Peace from the terrible nightmares, the ones that made Remus fear for his friend's sanity on more than one occasion. It was bad enough that Sirius had spent twelve years in Azkaban for a crime that he did not commit, whilst being condemned by all those remaining whom he had loved and trusted. That he then had to also suffer that same pain now, after he had escaped, was incomprehensible.

Remus was ashamed to know that he also played a major part in his friend's nightmares. His betrayal, the way in which he had abandoned Sirius haunted his own dreams, and he had not had twelve years of Dementors preying on his mind to magnify them.

Once again, Remus pushed his guilt out of his mind, for the time being, at least. He needed to help Sirius now, in whatever way he could. He walked to the bed, and after a moments hesitation, he placed a large hand on Sirius' shoulder, shaking him gently.

"Sirius, wake up," he coaxed gently. "You need to eat something."

Sirius woke up much quicker than the last time, although he was still rather disorientated when he did. However, he did as Remus bid, waking up and making an attempt to sit up. He felt terribly weak, and the feeling did not sit well with him. Remus helped him into an upright position, and he muttered a "thank you," too ashamed to look his friend in the face.

Presenting his friend with the sandwiches and hot chocolate, Remus sat back in the chair he had placed beside the bed the night before, holding his mug in his lap. He observed his friend quietly, noticing the way Sirius would appear as though he were about to say something, and then hesitate and apparently think better of it.

When Sirius had eaten almost an entire sandwich, he pushed the plate away, not able to eat any more.

"I… I'm sorry, Remus,… I just can't… eat any more… I'm sorry…" the Animagus apologised.

"That's ok, Sirius," Remus softly reassured the man, rather disconcerted by the way in which Sirius had felt the need to apologise.

An awkward silence, on Sirius' end at least, followed, and the two sat for a while, saying nothing. Remus sipped his hot chocolate, and Sirius seemed to be studying the eiderdown with rapt attention. The werewolf again observed him, something he had been doing a lot lately. There was simply something not right with his friend, besides the obvious.

Finally, Remus spoke again, softly as ever;

"Sirius, we need to talk," he tried to sound reassuring, to bolster his friend's courage.

"A… about what?" Sirius stuttered, trying to pretend he had no idea. His eyes were pleading. Remus couldn't tell if he was pleading Remus not to talk about it, or pleading for him to take all the pain away, or a combination of the two. It was disarming, but Lupin continued.

"About last night. Tell me what happened."

"I… I don't rem… remember," Sirius lied, guilt evident upon his gaunt countenance.

"I know you do Sirius, and I can't help you unless you tell me. Like when I helped you at Hogwarts, remember?" Remus coaxed.

Of course Sirius remembered that day at Hogwarts so many years ago. Remus knew that he himself would never forget it. It was the first time he had ever seen Sirius as anything but cool, confident and completely sure of himself.

**/Flashback/**

_Remus was looking around for Sirius, having noticed his absence at dinner that evening. Truth be told, his friend had been acting rather out of sorts since school had resumed. Remus had not been able to find much out from him, but Sirius had a habit of talking in his sleep. From what Lupin had heard, he guessed that the Blacks' were making Sirius' life rather difficult again. _

_He sighed. How terribly, and horribly, ironic, that Sirius was doomed to be scorned by the world because he came from a pureblood family renowned for its' arrogance and tendency to practise the Dark Arts, and to be scorned by that family because he refused to be like them. _

_Remus himself had not been dealt an easy hand, but he had also seen the way Sirius' parents could treat him. It was not unusual for Sirius to return to school with horrific bruising, new scars, and more emotional problems than Remus could imagine. _

_His friend was obviously tougher than he gave him credit for though. Aside from occasionally acting a little odd, Sirius was the most composed, confident, self-possessed person that Remus knew. Lupin didn't know how he did it. He had people impose such heavy burdens upon him, and yet still remained completely sure of himself. Or so Lupin thought. _

_After several fruitless hours of searching, Lupin returned to the Gryffindor common room, where nearly everyone else had gone to bed. James and Peter were still at detention, having annoyed the potions Professor one too many times. Remus gave up, and padded up the winding stairs into the room he shared with three others, expecting it to be empty. _

_The werewolf did not, however, expect to be met with the site of Sirius pacing back and forth agitatedly, talking to himself, arguing with himself. Remus ducked behind the bed nearest to the door, Sirius having not noticed the other boy entering, and watched carefully through the curtains. _

"_You're so stupid! Why the hell can't you be smart, just once? Or… or just be good at something! Instead, instead you are a… a complete failure. He's right. He is, he is, he is. You don't deserve to live, you don't, you don't, you DON'T!" _

_The last few words were almost yelled, making Remus jump. He had no idea what was going on, what was making his friend act like this. Lupin almost guessed that he had been cursed, but something told him that there was more to this than something that simple. _

_Sirius spun around, anger clear on his face. Remus had never seen him angry like that, and wondered what had upset him so much. Sirius whirled again, and slammed his fists into the walls, again and again, until his knuckles were heavily bruised and beginning to bleed. Somewhere the anger had melded with sadness, and now he was belting the wall in anger, with tears running down his face, sobbing incomprehensibly. _

_When Sirius gave no indication that he was going to stop damaging his hands, Remus decided he had to take action. The full moon was nearing, giving Remus more strength than he usually possessed, making him at least as strong as Sirius, if any need for strength arose. _

_Mind made up, Remus stepped out from behind the bed, and Sirius became aware of his presence for the first time, reacting as though someone had set off a fire-cracker near him. His eyes widened, and his mouth hung open slowly. He didn't say a word though, simply turned and bolted for the door. _

_Remus, however, was ready for such a move, and with the strength of the werewolf he grabbed his friend around the waist, halting his dash. When Sirius began to struggle wildly against him, Lupin pinned his arms by his side, and dragged him over to the nearest bed. Pressing Sirius down, he held him by the arms, forcefully enough to restrain him, but hopefully not enough to hurt him. _

_Sirius began to struggle even more wildly, become hysterical in his desperation to escape. It was almost as though he was no longer aware of his actions. He was breathing so fast he was almost hyperventilating, panicking terribly, choking on his sobs as he tried to escape the werewolf's grasp. _

_Remus, however, had no plans on letting Sirius go, until he had told him what was wrong. So he waited patiently, refusing to let the panic rising inside of him gain control, until Sirius' panic had died down slightly, and he was merely trembling and sobbing occasionally. It then occurred to Remus that this was similar to something he had read about in a Muggle book, something called a "nervous breakdown." _

"_What's wrong, Sirius?" he asked urgently. "Tell me what's wrong!" _

"_I… I can't! I can't tell you, no-one can know, you can't know who I am!" Sirius choked out. _

"_What can't I know, Padfoot? What do you mean?" _

"_How pathetic I am, Moony. I can't do anything right, I can't… I can't be like other people! I want to be, to just be happy, but I can't! So I hide it all, until I forget it, but then sometimes… sometimes it all happens, and then I am pathetic all over again…" Sirius rambled. Then he whispered something else; _

"_He's right. He's always right." _

_Remus looked concerned. This was very unlike his friend, but that was just what Sirius was trying to tell him. Who was this mysterious detractor though, who undermined his friend's confidence? _

"_Who's right, Sirius? Who told you that? What did he say?" _

_Sirius laughed bitterly, a laugh that ended in a rather hysterical sounding sob. _

"_He's that little voice in my head; the one that I don't want to listen to, but he's right, always right. I am pathetic. I am, aren't I Moony?" Sirius asked, sounding lost. _

_Remus didn't know what to say at first. Instead, he released his friend from the restraining hold, instead holding him in a tight hug, Sirius' head against his shoulder. He expected him to fight, but he didn't. Instead, Sirius grabbed hold of the back of Remus' robes and held on tightly, sobbing softly. _

"_You aren't pathetic at all Sirius. How could you be?" _

_Sirius just stayed where he was, enjoying one of the few moments in his life where he felt like someone actually cared about him, really cared and wanted to help him. And the little voice was gone. Sirius knew it would be back, though. _

**/End Flashback/**

Sirius sat silently, remembering that night clearly. He sighed. He didn't deserve a friend like Moony, all he ever did was cause him more problems and pain. Sirius knew that he would eventually just ruin his life, just like he had destroyed James', Lilly's, and… Harry's. Sirius bit back another sob.

"Sirius, what is it?" Remus asked, as concerned for his friend as ever.

"I… I don't deserve a friend like you, Remus. I never… I never did. All I have ever done… all I ever is cause you more trouble. I… I don't want you to… to…" Sirius trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished.

"Oh, Padfoot," Remus closed his eyes in sorrow, having gained more insight into his friend's thoughts. He got out of the chair, sitting beside his friend on the bed, one arm around him, drawing him close. Sirius looked like he was going to cry again, and Lupin desperately wanted to help his friend, to comfort him.

"Please… Please don't, Moony…" Sirius spoke softly. There was a brief pause as Remus collected his thoughts, before Sirius spoke again, this time his voice a dull whisper.

"You'll… you'll end up dead, like… like all of them. Like James and Lilly… like… Ha… Harry," here Sirius choked slightly, "And it will all be my fault…"

It was as though saying it out loud suddenly changed everything. Sirius began to weep, not the normal crying of a man saddened, but the beginnings of hysteria, weeping that Remus remembered from a long time ago.

"It was my fault, Remus! All my fault! God, if it wasn't for me… they'd still be alive, all of them… If I had just listened to him in the first place… if I had listened, they'd be alive. Oh, God," he sobbed, his breathing getting shorter as he sobbed in earnest.

Remus felt his body go cold. What did Sirius mean? He had a vague idea, but his friend couldn't possibly even consider that, couldn't mean what he said. There was no doubt in his mind who the "him" was, but what had he told Sirius to do? Lupin had to know, and, careful of his friend's apparently fragile state, he decided to ask.

"Sirius, listen to me, this is very important, ok? What did he tell you to do?" When no answer was forthcoming, Remus became a little more urgent.

"Sirius, you really have to answer me. Concentrate. What did he tell you to do?"

Sirius swiped at his eyes hurriedly with his sleeve, even as more tears spilled over. He could see it all happening again, like being in Azkaban, haunting him. The urgency in Remus' voice brought him back to the present, as he struggled to answer.

"He… he was right. All I ever… all I ever do is… screw things up, all I ever do. I should have… listened, should have done… done what he said," Sirius said, unconsciously twisting his hands.

"What should you have done, Sirius?" As much as Remus hated to admit it, his friend was beginning to frighten him. If he was right in his suspicions…

"I… I should have killed myself, Remus," Sirius finally looked him in the eyes, revealing the haunted, guilt-ridden depths of his soul. "I should have just killed myself, and… and they would all be alive…" he broke off again.

"It's all my fault. I killed them, Remus. All my fault… Oh, God, it's all my fault!"

With that final heart-wrenching statement, Sirius finally broke down, sobbing hysterically and apologising constantly, whilst Remus Lupin held him close, offering him what little comfort he could, as his mind raced in horror and shock.

After a while, Sirius began to calm, and Lupin resumed his gentle questioning, all too aware of his friend's fragile mental state.

"Can you tell me what he told you, the other night? Do you remember?" He asked quietly.

Of course he remembered. He couldn't ever forget. Every single time he had messed up in his life, every mistake he had made, every time the voice had pointed it out, he could remember.

"He… he said that I'm careless, that I don't think, that I'm stupid. That I didn't deserve your forgiveness. That all I ever do is destroy people's lives, ruin things… That is was all my fault… And he's right." Sirius trailed off, grief once again welling up.

"No, he isn't, Padfoot!" Remus asserted. "Can't you see that all he wants to do is destroy you? That he is just trying to play with you, break you, torment you? You can't listen to him any more, Sirius."

Sirius risked glancing up again.

"But he's right."

Remus sighed, and hugged his friend close again.

"No, he isn't. I don't blame you, Sirius. How could I, when it wasn't your fault? James and Lilly wouldn't either, you know that. Harry… Harry wouldn't want you to destroy yourself over a lie, Sirius!"

Sirius still looked disbelieving, but he was no longer sobbing, and seemed to be regaining control, which gave Remus hope. The Animagus' eyes began to drift closed, as the strain of the conversation began to weigh on him. He struggled to stay awake, even as his body demanded sleep, weak from blood loss and mental exhaustion.

Remus laid his head on top of Sirius', his mind still whirling with this new information, his thoughts awash with a horrified disbelief at his friend's thoughts.

"Go to sleep, Sirius. We'll talk in the morning."

As Sirius drifted into the realms of sleep, a sleep that he dreaded, bound to be full of dreams that he could not bear to witness, he heard Remus whisper something;

"It's not your fault."

**

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A/N; And here ends Chapter Five. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy! **


	7. Chapter 6: The War In Your Head That I D

**Shadows of Doubt **

_by elfmage _

**

* * *

Disclaimer;** I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime! 

**Warnings; **Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

**Additional notes; **See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content!

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

_

* * *

_

Chapter Six: The War In Your Head That I Did Not Understand

Remus woke up the next morning to a dull ache in his neck, and the sound of Sirius talking in his sleep, obviously caught once again in one of the frequent nightmares that haunted his sleep, almost every night since he had escaped Azkaban.

Carefully disengaging himself from the dishevelled man asleep on his shoulder, Lupin used his wand to send Sirius into a deeper sleep, hopefully one that would be dreamless. The werewolf then considered his sleeping friend briefly, before turning and walking out of the room as quietly as he could, gathering up the tray and its' dishes and taking them with him.

Wincing slightly at the cracking and popping of his joints as he walked, Remus felt his way down the dark stair, taking care to avoid the third one from the bottom, which he knew had a tendency to screech loudly. Thankfully, Kreacher had finally left, the day after Harry had been killed, and the portrait of the late Mrs. Black had finally been destroyed, much to the relief of Lupin and Sirius, the only ones left living in the Black Mansion.

Once again entering the cavernous kitchen, he set the tray down on the bench near the slightly rusted sink, taking care not to drop any of the precariously stacked crockery. Placing the plate of uneaten sandwiches in the creaking fridge, Lupin turned his attention back to the dished. He was almost tempted to simply use magic to do the chore of washing them up, but he instead opted to do them the Muggle way, giving him some much-needed time to think.

Running the water for a moment, waiting for any hints of rusty brown to dissipate from the water, he put the plug in the hole, noting the edge of rust around the drain. If he and Sirius were going to be spending any great length of time here, he would need to start doing some cleaning.

Searching fruitlessly for some detergent, Remus gave up, and used his wand for that small task. When the sink was reasonably full, he began washing the crockery. His actions were automatic, however, and his mind was elsewhere, as he pondered his options for helping Sirius, exploring possible avenues by which he might help his friend defeat the inner demons that he was so obviously battling.

Sirius was beside himself with grief, that much was apparent. Who wasn't? Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, had finally been defeated, and his godfather, the man who swore to protect him, had been forced to witness it, unable to do anything. Remus exhaled slowly. It wasn't just the grief that was debilitating Sirius. It was the overwhelming guilt over Harry's death, combined with the guilt he had been harbouring for years, guilt that he had been unable to save one of his closest friends.

For as long as Remus had known Sirius, he had always been aware of what he privately thought to be his friend's biggest flaw; the way in which he remembered every failure, every mistake he had ever made. Instead of learning from his errors, he continued to remind himself of them, allowing them to destroy him from the inside out.

It was terrifying to watch. How someone like Sirius, someone so strong, so composed, so completely _together_ could simply go to pieces, haunted by the demons of his past, eventually being brought down by them. That night at Hogwarts, when Remus had had to watch his friend's façade shatter, had frightened him terribly, and now he experienced the same feeling of helplessness that he had that night.

That this voice in Sirius' head had become so powerful though, that was of great concern. It wasn't that Remus thought his friend was insane; no, he knew that he was not. Lupin also had some idea of what had given this voice its' power, which he suspected had increased gradually since Sirius' imprisonment in Azkaban.

The Dementors alone were enough to reduce a grown man to a shadow of himself, and yet that had not happened as much with Sirius as one might expect. Not by the Dementors' means, anyway. No, Remus knew that the real destruction of the Sirius he once knew, had come on that day when he had visited Azkaban; when Sirius realised that his friend no longer believed in him, was no longer there for him, now _despised_ him. Remus had not realised it at the time, but in hindsight he knew that that day he had witnessed the final shattering of what remained of his old friend.

Remus allowed the water to drain out of the sink, fetching a rather ratty looking tea-towel and began wiping the dishes clean. The spell he had placed upon Sirius was going to wear off soon, and the man needed feeding something desperate, assuming he could convince him to eat. He would take the sandwiches up again, and hopefully his friend would manage at least one.

The werewolf knew, however, that more than anything, Sirius needed to talk. He would be well enough to get out of bed by tomorrow, maybe even today, which would make it even more difficult to corner him. Remus vowed that he would not let Sirius out of his sight, not until he knew that the man was no longer a danger to himself. At the moment Lupin was wary to even leave Sirius alone with his thoughts, worrying about what the outcome of such an internal dialogue could be.

Making another two mugs of hot chocolate, Remus reminded himself once more that he would need to go shopping within the week. That left the problem of what to do with Sirius. Rubbing his tired eyes with long fingers, Remus gathered his supplies together, pushing the problem to the back of his mind. He would deal with that when he came to it.

Lupin walked carefully up the stairs, one eye on the steep steps beneath him, the other making sure nothing on the tray was in danger of falling. Walking along the hallway, he paused briefly at the third door on the left, the threshold of the room that served as his bedroom. He could hear someone talking within the room, quietly, occasionally denying something with an unconvincing vehemence.

Debating whether or not to barge in and stop this potentially dangerous conversation, Remus decided against it, instead placing the tray on the floor silently, and using his sensitive werewolf hearing to eavesdrop on Sirius conversation with his internal detractor.

"I… I didn't kill them!" Remus felt his heart lift for a moment. Perhaps Sirius was gaining the confidence he needed to overcome this. However, he was disappointed when Sirius spoke next;

"I… You're right. God, always… always right. Bu… but I didn't… I never meant…"

"It does… does matter. I would never… I couldn't betray…"

"Moony said he… he didn't mean it!" The werewolf paid sharp attention when he heard his name spoken. He sagged against the doorframe when he realised that Sirius was replaying Remus' statement, when he said Sirius betrayed them all.

"He wouldn't lie! …" Sirius' voice was adamant. "He said… said I wasn't, he doesn't mind…" His voice faded to little more than a whisper, and Remus had to strain to hear him.

"It's all I ever do, isn't it? All I ever do is inconvenience them, cause them pain," Sirius voice was disturbingly bitter.

"I can't do it! I already failed, and now I am even more of a… of an inconvenience than ever. I already failed once…"

_So don't fail._ Remus could almost hear the voice himself. His blood ran cold as he realised what Sirius was talking about. He heard the dressing table drawer open… where he kept the old-fashioned blade he used to shave!

Realising he should have intervened earlier, he burst through the door, the oak swinging open to grant him a view of the room within. The bed was empty, and Sirius was standing, swaying heavily, next to the dressing table, the old-fashioned cut-throat in his hand. He turned to look at Remus, his eyes glazed as though he was in a dream.

Lupin broke free of his momentary paralysis, dashing forward to grab the blade. Sirius, however, was determined to do as the voice told him, determined to rid his friend of the inconvenience he believed himself to be. With a strength that Remus was surprised at given his current condition, he wrestled with the werewolf for the blade, determined not to fail again.

Remus held on to the razor desperately, knowing that he could not fail. He was trying to wrest it from his friend's grasp without hurting the man, who was fighting him with all his strength. Exhaustion soon began to regain its' hold on Sirius though, and soon he was barely able to keep his grip. Giving the blade one last twist, he fell to the floor, jerking Lupin off balance.

That little twist had a surprising effect, however. The blade skimmed lightly across Remus' hand, opening a shallow but rather painful gash, which promptly started to ooze blood. The sight of the red liquid seemed to rouse Sirius from the dream-like stupor into which he had sunk, and he immediately scrambled backwards, retreating hastily until his thin back hit the wall behind him. Panic overtook him, and he frantically tried to move further back, unable to rise as he was.

Lupin was taken aback at this. He quickly placed the razor on top of the dressing table, currently well out of Sirius' reach, and stepped carefully towards his friend, the shallow cut on his hand all but forgotten. Sirius whimpered as his friend advanced, half curling into a ball, whispering sobbed apologies.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I didn't, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He continued in such a manner until finally Lupin crouched in front of him, trying to catch his friend's eye, though he was currently staring vacantly at the floor, regret awash on his face, his skeletal body shaking violently. Remus seized the opportunity, and grabbed Sirius' painfully thin shoulders, shaking him slightly to gain his attention.

"Sirius, look at me," he uttered softly. When the shaking man in front of him gave no indication of comprehension, he shook him slightly again.

"Sirius, I'm fine. Look at me, I'm fine, Sirius." Remus tried again.

Sirius looked up, his haunted eyes meeting Lupin's for a moment, before focussing on the werewolf's bleeding hand.

"You're… you're not. You're… hurt, and… and it's my fault." The man diverted his gaze towards the threadbare carpet once more, before whispering to himself;

"It's always my fault."

Lupin sighed. The cut on his hand was proving to be of great distraction to his friend, and so he rose from his haunches and went to the first aid box on his dresser, which he had left there since finding Sirius two nights ago. He quickly inspected the cut, and satisfied that it was shallow and would heal quickly, he wrapped a short bandage around it, securing it with a small clip and a charm.

That having been dealt with, he turned back towards Sirius. The Animagus was still hugging his knees against the wall, still whispering apologies. Remus reached his friend in a few strides, and pulled the taller man to his feet, slinging one of the emaciated arms around his shoulder for support. The werewolf then guided his friend to the bed, settling both of them on it. He still hadn't had a chance to change the sheets, he remembered.

When it became obvious that Sirius was going to need more time to compose himself before he was able to talk coherently with his friend. Recalling that he wished to check the progress on his friend's wound, and treat his forgotten hand, he summoned the first aid box to him, and began unwinding the long bandage around Sirius' arm.

Squinting slightly in the dim light, Remus quickly rose and opened the curtains, allowing the midday sun to flow into the room. Returning to the bed, he resumed his examination of the gash, relieved that Sirius appeared to have calmed down somewhat. However, he frowned at the look of the injury.

The edges of the cut were red and hot, more so than they should have been. Noticing that the cut was weeping, Lupin swore mentally, although he knew he shouldn't be surprised. The cut was getting infected, which was not too strange, given Sirius current emotional and mental state. Remus knew from his own past experience with bad transformations that the mind had a lot to do with physical healing.

Cleaning the wound with the disinfectant he found in the first aid box, he wrapped a clean bandage around it, tossing the dirty one next to the door, making a mental note to wash it when he was sure Sirius was asleep. Remus then moved on to inspecting Sirius' knuckles, which, as he suspected, were cut and bruised. He suspected that, had his friend been more aware of his surroundings, they would be quite painful, too.

Those cuts too showed signs of the beginning of infection, and Lupin cleaned them as thoroughly as he could with the disinfectant, wrapping a shorter bandage around Sirius' hand. He placed a large, cool hand against Sirius' forehead, checking for the beginnings of a fever that he knew would present itself. Sirius flinched slightly at the contact, but then relaxed at the calming presence.

Suspicions confirmed, Remus felt like banging his head against a wall. The last thing Sirius needed right now was an infection-induced illness. It seemed like since Harry's funeral two days ago, events had compounded dangerously, and he feared what the climax of these events would be.

Noticing that Sirius now seemed significantly more aware of his surroundings, he gathered his resolve. He had to get Sirius to talk to him, to _really_ talk to him, otherwise… Remus didn't want to think about what would happen if Sirius didn't get through this.

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A/N; And here ends Chapter Six. Next chapter coming soon (it's already written, so I feel safe in saying this... :P ). Hope you enjoy! **


	8. Chapter 7: Finis ?

**Shadows of Doubt **

_by elfmage _

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Disclaimer; I own none of the characters of the Harry Potter universe, that honour belongs to the brilliant Ms. J.K. Rowling. Eternal praise be to her for providing us fanfiction-addicts with enough material for a lifetime!**

**Warnings; **Extreme angst (I mean it, this was written to satisfy my sadistic need for amazing amounts of angst!), self-mutilation, attempted suicide, depression, and other cheery things.

**Additional notes; **See prologue. Short chapters are for emphasis of content!

Reviews are appreciated, but only if you wish! Now that that is over with, on with the story!

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Chapter Seven: Light Up All the Evil Dreams 'Til They Ignite Screaming Into the Night

Remus shifted on the bed, drawing Sirius' attention towards him.

"I really think we need to talk some more, don't you, Sirius?" he asked, keeping his voice as gentle and calm as he could.

"I… what… I mean, … what is there… I'm so sorry…"

"Sirius, I'm fine," Remus replied levelly. "It's you that I'm worried about-"

"You shouldn't be," Sirius interrupted bitterly. "You should just… just go, go far away… where I can't find you… where I can't hurt you… where I can't… where I can't betray you… like I betrayed them."

Remus felt that now familiar feeling of tears burning the backs of his eyes. Once again, Sirius was displaying his terrible ability to remember every bad thing that had happened in his life, every time he had screwed up… every cruel word that had been said to him.

"_How could you, Sirius? How could you betray them? They trusted you! They trusted you, and you killed them!"_

"I destroyed them, Moony… I destroyed their lives… everything…" Sirius took a deep breath, closing his eyes to stop the tears of guilt and frustration from falling.

"It wasn't you, Sirius. It was never your fault." Remus was trying to think of some way in which he could convince his friend, aware of how ineffectual his words were.

"It's all I can see, every time I close my eyes…" Sirius words came easier now, no longer so stuttering and unsure. "He shows me, every time I did it, when… when they died. How it was my fault."

"Did he tell you to… to try and kill yourself again, Sirius?" Remus asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

Sirius looked up sharply, his almost hazy eyes focussing on Lupin.

"Don't you see, Remus? It isn't… it isn't because of him… I know now… I know what I have to do… He's right, always, always right…" he whispered.

Lupin knew then how dire his friend's situation really had become; he was no longer just listening to the misguided words of some part of him that said it was all his fault. Now he believed it, all of him. Things seemed to just be getting worse and worse.

Sirius suddenly jumped up from the bed, making Remus jump, only swaying slightly as he began to pace back and forth beside the bed. He ran his thin hands through his tangled, matted hair.

"God, listen to me. I… I'm going insane, aren't I, Moony?" He laughed bitterly, a sharp bark of a laugh. "I guess everyone… everyone was right. I've finally gone… finally snapped… lost it completely."

Sirius' actions reminded a rather stunned Remus of that night in Hogwarts, when his friend had finally let it all go, opened the floodgates in his mind and let all of his emotions pour out. Hope began to rise in him. If his friend would just open up, confide in him, then Lupin could start to help him.

"I wish… I wish it would all just go away, you know what I mean? Just… just stop…" Sirius paused in his pacing for a moment.

"Wish all what would go away, Sirius? What do you want to stop?" Remus already knew the answer to both of his questions, but he needed to hear Sirius say it.

"Ev… everything. All of this…" Sirius gestured with a broad sweep of his hands, resuming his pacing. "I wish he would go… go away, leave me alone."

Sirius paused again, with his head cocked to the side, appearing to be listening intently, shaking his head in disagreement every now and then. Remus knew that now was the time to make his move.

"You can make him stop, Sirius."

The Animagus turned sharply to face his friend, his query, along with slight disbelief and a hint of sheer desperation, evident on his gaunt, haggard face. It was apparent that the voice was still talking away, probably driving Sirius closer and closer to the edge even as Remus was speaking to him.

"How?"

"Make him stop. Tell him to stop. Know that you are stronger than he is, that you are right and he is not, and demand that he stop. Force him to stop."

Sirius didn't look convinced, the doubt on his face growing with every second that passed. Evidently the voice was growing stronger, reminding him of every dark spot lurking in his mind, of every mistake, every regret he had. Lupin knew that this had to end, now.

"He's making you weak, Padfoot." That earned quite a reaction. Sirius hated to show any kind of weakness, and having it pointed out was not to be endured. Remus was goading him, whether or not Sirius realised it.

"Since when do you let other people control you? That slime is no better than Snape. Would you let him tell you what to do? Would you let him destroy your life?"

Lupin hoped what he was attempting would work, and not simply push his friend farther from him. He knew that Sirius had a wealth of anger, hidden deep beneath the surface. The Animagus never let it escape, but maybe it was time for that rage to be put to good use.

Memories began to whirl before Sirius' eyes again, just like they had before his two attempts at suicide. The world before him faded in and out of view, and he began to feel rather faint and ill. He felt _weak_. And he was sick of being weak, very, very sick of being weak.

Images of James, Lilly and Harry flew past his eyes again and again, smothering him in despair, and he fell to his knees. Then, from somewhere deep within, he felt an incredible rage building, burning him from the inside out. It made every nerve in his body tingle with energy, made him want to scream, to smash something, to destroy and go mad, until he collapsed.

"Shut up."

At first, Remus thought that Sirius was talking to him, that he was giving up, that his collapsing physically was somehow a representation of the internal activity going on. Then, he realised that that short, terse statement, so taut with rage, was not intended for him, but for the voice that had haunted Sirius for so long.

The rage was building, and he thought he would explode. The voice took no notice, continuing to display every one of his failures, every mistake. Sirius, however, was through with this weakness. He felt the fury begin to peak.

"Shut up, now. Shut up, and get out."

He was fighting back, feeling the most powerful surge of energy flowing through his body, shoving the voice back, forcing it to be quiet. It fought against the Animagus, replaying the darkest memories that Sirius possessed, trying to destroy him from the inside out.

"SHUT UP AND GET OUT!"

With a final scream, Sirius shoved all of the rage-laden energy at the voice, in the same way he would have attacked it were it a corporeal entity. He mentally attacked it, smashing and hitting, fighting with no style or particular strategy, but with sheer hatred and determination. Sirius fought it with all he had, until he forced it into submission, until it was finally quiet, no longer reminding him of his failures.

The fierce, terrible anger that had seized him began to dissipate as he realised that he had done it. He was completely and utterly exhausted, and suddenly felt almost empty as the rage disappeared. The voice was gone though. Through the physical and mental exhaustion he felt complete jubilation.

Sirius looked up at Remus from his kneeling position on the hard floorboards. For the first time in what seemed an eternity, he looked Lupin in the eye, not aggressively, and Lupin fancied that those dark eyes no longer looked quite so dead. There was yet work to be done, but his friend had already begun to change.

"You were right, Moony," Sirius' voice was hoarse with exertion. "We did it. He's gone. He's gone."

And with that, Sirius pitched to the side, unconscious before he hit the floor. Remus was slightly concerned, checking his pulse, but soon a relieved grin worked its way across his features.

"You did it, Sirius. _You_ did it."

_The Beginning_

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A/N; Wasn't that a happy ending? After all that angsty drama, I think our beloved friends deserved it, don't you?**

There is the possibility of a sequel to this... it depends on the response to this one. Certainly I feel the need to write a Snape-centric fic... I love Snape. :P

Until next time!


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